for J. O.

Describe it, the sound of a voice

cracking, a soul trembling

over the phone when it is just us two,

your voice and mine connecting

and we rely upon words to

heal, bring solace, offer a story to

make sense of what?

the reason why we choose

to protect ourselves from each other

at all cost and then feel the tearing open—

our tearing open,

self-preservation a thing of the past because

we don’t know how to do it now,

preserve what once was,

for there is sometimes (never)

a  going back to what once was

only letting shame kill

its children and regret

bury its dead

and letting pain billow

in undulations

(keep feeling don’t stop feeling)

until it strengthens us

and we are not what we once were,

look, look, at the fire burning now.