When You're Convinced God Is Not Here

You aren't swimming underwater now, waves tossing you so you aren't sure which way is down, or up. But I know this isn't how you feel. You are convinced you are sinking, that she is smarter, that you are slower. That she is prettier, that you're not so special.

Come to think of it, you aren't sure what is worthwhile anymore.

That job. This home. This struggle to make ends meet. You scream the prayers in the night. Father, where are you, in the middle of the mess? Do you hear my cries? Do you recognize me, even here, where it is surely only dark? Can your light shine on me? I can't find you.

I don't even believe I know where to look.

You say it again: Why do your words, God, feel hollow, just letters on a page? How is your voice one I can hear? Would you even speak to me? Would you even want to? How can I believe this love you have for this world is love that applies to me? You scrawl down the prayer, and you wonder if God hears it. You beg him to answer, do you have time for this, for me? Do I need to know more about you to be able to follow you, hear you call my name? That can't be true, can it?

Will you help me find my way to you?

Dig deep now. You know where I am. You know where to find me.

Dig deep now. It is written in you, the way to me.

Make no excuses now. You are stronger than you know. You are not weak, not afraid. No, this is not who you are. Your story is written beautiful now. Step into it. Step into it, daughter.

You've stepped out. Now, step in. Claim who you are. Claim the fierceness for me, the fight for me.

Sometimes the fight to reach me is real. Don't be distracted now. You are not alone. I am in you, do not forget. If I am in you, and you have lost your way to me, it is because of this: you are forgetting who you are and how you are made and the strength of faith and identity. I am the one you claim, dear one. There is nothing else you need to claim.

And there, there is beauty. And there, there is strength. And there, there is hope. And there, there is direction, a map to go deeper, further. Stretch those arms open now. You are not afraid. You are wise, with me. You are fearless, with me. You are mine. You are mine.

Praying now, friend. Jesus, come. We are fearless and fully ourselves with you. Remind us now. Let us step forward, ever deeper, ever free.

What is your prayer? What questions are you asking God?